Thumbies Will Rule the Universe!

Evolution versus creation; now there’s a quagmire.  I know what I believe and every body else is fricken wrong.  And I’m sure you feel the same way.

Instead of worrying about how we got here, like this, like we are,  with thumbs and hair and boogers and bad knees and all, I like to think about where we’re going.  What’s the future like.  What are we going to become.

I think we’re going to fragment. 

Scientifically, there’s enough evidence to suggest that our family line, the one that resulted in us, was only one of many.  Some became other kinds of upright walking thumb wielding hominids and some stayed more primate-ish.  And still others, just disappeared.  But there was a place where we were all pretty close together and we fragmented into the various groups and types.  It happened once.  It should, at least if the math is right, happen again.

You can see the beginnings of the fragmentation now.

You ever seen one of those guys with the really big foreheads. There didn’t use to be a lot of them, but they’re more and more common now.  There’s going to be a lot of those big-headed guys in the future.  There’s some extra brain matter in those skulls. There has to be.  Either they have really big sinuses or they’ve got extra brain goo.  And all those guys with the big foreheads, they’re not super athletic or good-looking or suave, but they bring down great middle management money and that means breeding opportunities. So that means there will be a ot more of them running around the planet as long as we need middle managment. (or we’re willing to have middle managers run things.  Example, 2 Bushes in 20 years)

Of course, there’s a trade-off.  The big forehead guys,… they’ve got really little dicks.  The new saying will be, big forehead, big brain, very small dick.  If evolution is feeling particularly cruel, the female brainiacs with be small breasted flat butts with an abundance of hair in no longer fashionable places and the splay footed posture of question marks.

In the distant evolutionary future (next thursday), the brainiacs will hold middle management dominion over the universe.  They just won’t enjoy it very much and neither will their sexual partners.

The people who do most of the work in our future will be called the thumbies.  We’re already genetically selecting for enhanced thumb capabilities.  People who can use game controllers and thump type on their phones while driving will have more opportunities to breed, if a mate can ever get their attention for long enough.  400 generations from now, the thumbies will do all of the manual labor.  And by manual labor I mean the thumb based remote controlling of robots.  They’ll use their super advanced thumbs to operate the machinery that does everything; and we’ll pay them in Doritos.

The last division of the evolutionary tree of the future will be the athlos.  We’ve seen this beginning already.  Anybody notice that Archie Manning has TWO!! sons playing professional football.  We have second and third generation pro athletes in nearly every sport.  Sooner or later, somebody from the NBA will find a Person from the WNBA that isn’t a lesbian or at least likes a little dick once in a while, and the two of them will start a physical super race of people who are limited to saying things like, “They a tuff team an we gonna hafta play our game if we wanna beat um.”  Swimmers with webbed fingers, legs and toes that breath like Kevin Costner behind the ear, figure skaters that are all born gay. Football players the size of Winnebagos. guys with enough pectoral tissue to flap wings that really work for this new game you haven’t heard of yet.  I tell you it’s coming.  The athlos have already started to branch off, just like the brainiacs and the thumbies.

The Brainiacs will run things.  The Thumbies will do things.  And the Athlos will be like big warm toys for everybody to play with.

Every once in a while, a brainiac will breed with an athlo and make a quarterback and he’ll be able to say, “We had plenty of opportunities.  We just got out-played today.  But we need to start looking ahead to next week.”

Oh, and women will be breeding vessels.  Just thought I’d mention it incase one or two of you wanted to get a jump on things a little early.

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One Response to Thumbies Will Rule the Universe!

  1. Paula says:

    okay – i laughed OUT LOUD throughout this entire entry!

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