The Search for America’s Next Top Terrorist

The Search For America's Next Top TerroristWell, the race is on to find the successor to Osama Bin Laden now that we’ve shot him and dumped him in the ocean.  As the intelligence community sifts through his video tapes, diaries and computers, the newsies and talking heads have turned the “who’s next” lottery  into a 24 hour game of pin the beard on the extremist.

Everybody’s pointing to Ayman Al Zawarhi, Bin Laden’s number 2 as the logical successor but the flawed fly in that ointment is that nobody seems to like the guy very much.  Certainly our team isn’t high on him, but apparently, their side doesn’t cotton to him much either.  Plus he’s kinda old, he doesn’t connect with the new kids on the bomb and he is universally recognized as a black hole of charisma. To top it off, his Egyptian origins are problematic in a field increasingly dominated by Libyans, Saudis and Yemenis.  I like saying Yemenis.  It sounds like a place that has a drive through.

So, not him. Cross Zawarhi off the list.

All of the news bureaus are flagging Abu Yayha al-Libi as a contender.  I imagine that as soon as that news reached him he was both proud of the mention and terrified at his now considerably shortened short-term prospects. al-Libi is one of the younger lions in the mix and is known mostly for his escape from a security facility near Bagram airbase in Afghanistan.  The argument against him is that he was inept enough to be captured and placed in a security facility near Bagram airbase.  Also, he’s black.  Wanna know a secret about fundamentalist muslims from the Arab and Persian regions of the middle east?  They’re racists.  I know!!  Who would have thought that people steeped in medieval intolerance would be racists, too?

So, probably not him either.

Mohammed Atef would have been a good choice based on performance and likability amongst his co terrorists, but sadly for the organization, Atef was killed in 2001.

Abu Mustafa al-Yazidi, was a multilingual veteran of the Russian/Afghan war who was a key link in the chain between al-Qaida and the Afghan Taliban.  Note the use of the word “was”.  Yazidi got his multilingual ass killed in 2009.  He is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.  He… is an EX terrorist.

Two other possible new leaders recently kinda killed each other.  This is funny.  Not for them, of course, but for us.  Anyway, it seems that Maulvi Faqir Mohammed and Nekmohd Qari-Zainuddin were feudin’ over who was the baddest dude’in the sand box.  So much so that each of them had planted operatives in the other’s camps.  One day, the spy for Maulvi the Faqir (he’s such a faqir… a real mother faqir) over heard Zainuddin saying Maulvi’s dating habits included girls over 16 years of age ( appearantly they’re old hags in the mountains of Pakistan) and Maulvi’s spy was so incensed by the affront to his war lord that he shot Zainuddin right in the puddin. 

Killt him dead. 

When Zainuddin’s spy heard that, he fragged Maulvi in the out house with a Russian grenade left over from the 80’s.  I know the whole thing sounds fantasical, but, as it turns out, the russians made really good grenades back then and those boom booms have a 30 plus year shelf life. Who knew?

Abu Ayyub al-Masri the charismatic leader of al-Qaida in Iraq would also have been a good choice to take over the mantle of leadership except that he was killed by American forces in April of 2010.  The information for that bombing was leaked to Army Intel through al-Qaida channels because Bin Laden felt al-Masri was becoming too popular and represented a challenge to his leadership.  That’s kinda like shooting yourself in the foot; if your foot looks like a terrorist and is trying to take your job as head terrorist.

Here’s irony for you.  The current best replacement for Bin Laden is the US-born preacher Anwar al-Awlaki (currently in Yemen. Look on Google Maps/satellite view right where the big red target mark is). Yep, that’s right, the best guy to lead those guys against us guys; the best person to put in charge of those persons who hate American persons so much that they’re willing to carry rocket launchers in 120 degree heat while wearing a hat and scarf, is himself an American.  Mmm hmmm.  You got that right.  Anwar (you can call me Al) al-Awlaki has the ambition to lead al-Qaida. He’s young, charismatic, speaks eloquently in English and Arabic and can reach out to many different audiences.  In terms of violent Sunni Muslim extremism, he’s a triple threat.  He’s an ideological throw back to the 1400’s, the camera loves him and, he wants to direct.  Pretty soon, little red special effects dots will be dancing all over his bright white Yemeni garb.  Pretty.

I said Yemeni again.  It’s fun.  try it.  Yemeni, Yemeni, Yemeni.  See?

Of course, maybe we’re all looking at this the wrong way.  If I understand things correctly, and I belive that I do, the idea of terrorism is to scare everybody into frantic frenzies of frivolous fretting until at some point everybody just gives up and does what the scary people what just so everybody can get on with their lives and stop being afraid. 

So, given that premise, lemme ax you sumpin.  Who has scared more Americans over the last 10 years that FOX News and the Republican Party?  Nobody.  That’s who.  

Who has scared more old people into thinking that democrats what to kill them by communist medical committees than Palin, O’Reilly and Beck on the 24 hour a day scarefest called Fox News.  Who has cost America more treasure through their no bid proxies Blackwater and Halliburton than the Republicans ? So really, who do you think would make the next best leader of al-Qaida?  Some marginalized Sunni preacher from New Jersey with a giant target on his back as he traipses across the deserts of Yemen or Glenn Beck and John Boehner?

That’s what I thought.

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