Through what can only be described as a massive failure of follow through, the world has failed to end, yet again. Certainly, an investigation will be launched into who we can blame for this failure, but clearly, if God has decided not to take anybody up in the rapture or just flat-out thwack us all with a mighty smiting just on principal, it can really only mean that we have finally proven to be utterly without redemption and God has washed his hands of us.
Hey, here’s a headline:
Nothing Out of Ordinary Happens!
I had a lot of possible headlines for this article but I went with World Fails to End… Again! because it was closer to my overall thesis, which is that People have been forecasting the end of the world for a long time. I Googled it and there’s like dozens of doom events that were predicted in the last decade by some dingleberry or another. Sooner or later, one of these yayhoos will get lucky and be right, but so far, we’ve all survived.
Some of the other possible titles I considered:
Rapture Takes Place. Nobody Taken!
God Passes on First Round Draft Picks. Tells Mankind to Suck It.
The End is… Rescheduled (or The End is TBA)
Are We Dead Yet?
Heh Heh. My Bad!
….and NOW… NOW… 1-2-3.. NOW
Apocalypse Averted. God Says He’ll Try Again.
Wacko Discredited. Everything Fine.
I’m sure you’ve got some in your head now. Feel free to leave me a few of them in the comment section.
NOTE: You have to scroll to the bottom of an article page, not the front page of this blog, to leave a comment. To get to an article page, click the title of this article or click on a linked title over on the upper right side of this page.
Do you remember the last really big “the world is going to end” scare? It was the millennium bug or Y2K. The fear was that the world was so completely run by computers and the computers were all so completely compromised by the two digit calendar problem that as soon as the year 2000 flipped at midnight somewhere the banking system would crash because all of the computers thought it was 1900 instead of 2000. Among the problems with that concern were that really, A) the problem would have been more likely (if at all) on the turning of 2000 to 2001 B) Companies all over the world made billions of dollars fixing software for 3 years leading up to 2000 C) only a portion of the world’s computers actually had this tiniest of glitches and it would have made almost no difference at all to any of them, and finally, D) We weren’t all going to just sit there and die because the grocery store couldn’t process the transactions for Froot Loops. At the very least we could pick up a rock and kill something to eat. Besides, we’re a thousand times more controlled by computers now as opposed to the year 2000 and everything is juksten fieineightieijiasid572775726************
So anyway, fear motivates and motivation sells more fear stuff. A small shitload of people sell a bigger shitload of end times books, tapes, DVDs and survival kits every time this comes up. The air time sales people on late night radio from the high desert love that fear demographic. Same for TV, magazines and newspapers (Newspapers… how old am I?). Scary gets people watching or reading or listening and then you can sell advertising. We have the best “scaring people” industry in the world. If you can come up with a marginally feasible thing to be afraid of (and by marginally feasible I mean not even remotely possible), we, as a people, will write books and magazine and news articles, make tv shows and movies about it and even create cult churches complete with walled compounds, zombie followers and Holy writ thumping freaks to lead them. There is a lot of money in scaring people and when there’s money in something, we can do it like nobody else in the world. My oldest brother (three acolytes short of his own cult) was so worried about Y2K that he spent the week before and after the 2000 New Year in a bunker in central Texas with a couple of friends, a few thousand rounds of ammo and a small mountain of tinned saltines.
I think he was just a little disappointed when the whole thing didn’t collapse. Not because he wanted all of us to be forced to say, “Oh, OK, I guess you were right.” which almost certainly he did want, but because he’d created a full color, 3D fantasy about how it was going to be in the post apocalyptic world and how he was going to be Mad Max or maybe even Tina Turner in his own little thunder dome and he could finally have the power and make somebody else walk around with the leash around their neck. Yeah, I know. It’s seems twitchy but it’s not entirely unique.
There’s a guy on YouTube with a 24 part video series about how to survive the coming break down of society. He doesn’t say when it’s coming but he’s sure that it is. He, his fingerless gloves, his military fatigues and his super boss mullet are featured in over 240 minutes (or 4 hours) of self shot apocofantasy ramblings that center mostly on the right guns to choose (weight a killing power being the factors), camping gear, the best knife for killing people and feral hogs, fire making and how to hold the best ground against the folks who are going to want to take your stuff. I left the guy a comment suggesting that when it doesn’t happen, he’s going to be a lot more disappointed than relieved because even though the world survives, he doesn’t get to start the new kingdom where he can buy wimmen from the caravaners and “make’um do stuff”. He deleted my comment and blocked me. Who knew that the kind of guy who is preparing for a long stay in the mountains wouldn’t want to hear a dissenting opinion?
I think a lot of the doom sayers are just trying to feel important. “Hey everybody, look at me. I know what’s going to happen. I saw something you missed. I’m not as crazy or as stupid or as whatever as you thought I was or my father told me I was or the judge wrote on that paper.” “I’m special enough for God to talk to me and tell me something he didn’t tell you or the FOX 4 News Team.” I think it’s important to remember that according to recent surveys, about 70% of people in this country believe in angels. So really, believing that the end of the world is happening or that Satan is coming or that God will raise up a bunch of folks and leave the rest of us wicked and ungodly types behind is not so much of a stretch.
Interestingly, in the same survey that showed 70% of people believed in angels, only 40% believe in ghosts. Statistically, some guy in Utah is saying that adds up to 110% and proves that the jews blew up the World Trade Center with a small tactical nuke they were given by the Chinese Communists who also fund the Democratic Party.
But I digress.
This most recent scare comes to us courtesy of a fringe christian church in California where the peculiar pastor and his foolhardy flock decided that this was the end times. For whatever reason, they completely believed it and they used all of their money to buy billboards all over the country to tell everybody the headline info and leave a website where they could get more news of the end. When I say they used all of their money, I don’t mean they used up all of the church’s money, or all of the pastor’s money. I mean they sold all their stuff; houses, cars, household items, bric-a-brac, what nots, what have yous and whatevers and they pooled the money with which they purchased ad space on over 1,000 billboards all over the country.
One can’t really call that kind of giving up of worldly possessions a sacrifice because they all thought they were giving up stuff that was useless, or would be shortly. The committment might be admirable, but I fail to see the point in telling everybody about what was coming. Presumably, if the end times are, in fact, upon us and the rapture is nye, there isn’t really time for the rest of us to get a ticket on the Heaven Bus. If we believed in this sort of thing we’d already know all about it, and, likewise, not knowing about it kinda puts us in the group who’s not going to the dance. So putting up the billboards is really more of a “nya nya nya, we’re going to McDonald’s and you’re not” kinda thing. And if I interpret my biblical hearsay correctly, and I think that I do, that’s pride and it goeth before a fall. I’m pretty sure that that’s enough to get you kicked off the Jesus Express. I don’t think they’ve thought this all the way through. Not only have they not thought it all the way through, they haven’t given it as much thought as I give to buying a new pair of sneakers (OK, I spend a lot of time comparing and deciding, but I’m going to wear them 18 hours a day for the next 6-10 months… sue me.)
But here’s the bottom line – and believe me, I’m just as surprised as you are to find it here at the bottom… in line form.
People have been saying the world is going to end any day now for as long as there have been people to tell. The world is still here. The people are still here. The problems are all still here. And wishing it could all be over or that we could put all the worldly problems like war, and death and hunger and strife behind us won’t make those things go away. We have to fix things ourselves. We have to make this place a better place to be instead of trying to find reasons not to be here.
Come to think of it, it’s exactly the same as the illegal immigration problem that we have with Mexico… but I’ll leave that for another day.