Republican Front-Runner? Not it!!!

The GOP is having a hard time finding a first string player to put in the line up for the Primaries.  It’s getting late in the preseason and so far nobody batting above .190 has even agreed to strap on the cleats let alone swing for the fences. It seems like the “Good” Republican Candidates (I can’t believe I put those words together) have weighed the outcome 20 months hence and decided they’d be better off taking the FOX talking head TV money.  It also seems that so far, the party isn’t willing to waste a viable candidate on a race they don’t feel they can win.  Of course, they just may not have a viable candidate.  And by viable, I mean one who doesn’t have something waiting to jump out of the closet and derail a run for the oval office. The lack of clean candidates on the far right may be as clear a comment about the right as we’ll ever get.

However, the folks with wide open closets filled with all manner of indefensible positions, stupid quotes, and fringe beliefs are lined up three deep in the waiting room.  The nut bars who think they have a chance at the golden ring are stacking up like Snickers in a 7-11.

Here’s a brief rundown of the marginally popular but ultimately delusional figures who have talked themselves into believing that they could live in the White House, head the 2nd largest economy in the world, be the commander-in-chief of the most often used military machine in the history of war and sit in quite possibly the most powerful chair, politically, to ever exist.

Michele Bachman – The controversial third-term representative from Minnesota generates plenty of press thanks to her aggressive efforts to tie herself to the Tea Party and by founding the House Tea Party caucus as well as delivering the Tea Party response to the 2011 State of the Union address. Most republicans in Congress feel that she is too far right to be acceptable to main stream republicans.  Everybody else thinks she’s just too enormously and incredibly “non-intellectualized” to be President… of the PTA.

Here are a couple of selected quotes:

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”

Haley Barbour
The Mississippi governor who describes himself as a “fat redneck”is the head of the Republican Governors Association and a former Republican National committee chairman.  He raises money like a pro, but he stepped in a sticky pile of viscous goo when he was the only public official to take BP’s side during the Gulf oil spill.  He also keeps a large portrait of a confederate rifle company over his desk at the Governor’s mansion.  That’s probably enough to keep him out of every elected office except in the states of Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama… and maybe Arkansas. There may be a lot of fat rednecks clustered around voting stations in the south, but Barbour would find it difficult to garner support anywhere else. 

Here’s a  fun Barbour quote:

“Because of the tragedy, the state flag will fly at half-staff ” The term he wanted was “half mast”.  Half staff, refers to a pole that is broken or limp or appears to bend downward in the middle.  It also is a slang term for a male member that is something less than erect. 

Newt Gingrich
Gingrich, the former House speaker and elder statesman in the party seems serious about a run for the office.  He has enormous name recognition.  However, the stumbling block is that the name recognition is based upon his being an enormous dick in his personal life.  He’s been married three times and left one wife while she was in the hospital.  Not only does that alienate social conservatives (republicans), it alienates humans. 

He recently said in an interview on the subject of his infidelity, ”There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Translation: He cheated on his wife because of his love for the country.

Here’s another Newtism that says it all:

“The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument.”

Mike Huckabee
The creationist former Arkansas governor and previous presidential possible has built a talk show career around his amiable personality but he has been described as that kind of really nice guy that you don’t want coming over to your BBQ because as wrong as he is, you can’t argue with him without seeming like a bully or an asshole.  About the only one who’s be able to pull it off is Jon Stewart of the Daily Show.  Huckabee’s extreme Christianity is attractive to extreme Christians but off-putting to everybody else.  Besides, after an initial dip into the “should I or shouldn’t I” pool, Huck has decided that the money at FOX and the book tour millions are easier to bank than shaking votes out of Americans one hand at a time.  

2 Huckabee quotes:

“I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can’t wait!”

“We ought to declare that we will be free of energy consumption in this country within a decade.”

Sarah Palin
The undisputed rock star of the right and former vice presidential candidate is a polarizing figure nationwide. She’s been focused on her media career recently but remains active politically. The bad news, America seems endlessly fascinated with her and her moderately dysfunctional family.  The good news, among republicans (the only people who would ever consider her a possible candidate) only 17% are interested in seeing her run and even fewer are interested in seeing her as president.

There are too many great quotes to use from this ill wind generator, but most of them require context and explanation.  Like this one when she was asked to discuss important Supreme Court rulings, “Well, let’s see. There’s — of course — in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings.” and on where the money is going in Afghanistan,
“They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.”

The best line I heard about Palin came from comedian Christopher Titus when he explained that, “you don’t give the Uzi to the dumbest cheerleader.”

Rick Santorum
The former Pennsylvania senator faded following his reelection drubbing four years ago. He’s a staunch social conservative opposed to all things homosexual or evolutionary.  Recently some comedy genius added his name to the Wikipedia database as the word defining an unpleasant product of lubricated gay intercourse.  Forever more, the name Santorum will be associated with an oily, fecal pudding.  His race is over.  On a personal aside, I want to be on the record that his kind of political anti gay foot stomping has historically been the precursor to an airport men’s room revelation or a wife’s tell all book that includes meth, praying and a gay male prostitute.  I can’t wait.

Rudy Giuliani
Giuliani has a knack for bringing 9-11 into any discussion and that still pulls votes for some.  But he’s a one trick pony and there’s no way he makes it all the way through the primaries and the election on that single trick.  He has big time name recognition, but he’s the only guy in the room who doesn’t realize that the recognition is not for how he performed on 9-11 but because he’s been leaning on it for 10 years now. 


Here’s a very short rundown of the rest; most whose names you’ve never heard.

Herman Cain
The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and conservative talk show host is anti health care and has no political base.  He named his company “Godfather’s Pizza” like crime bosses are a good thing.  His political chances?  Fuhgettabouddit!

Mitch Daniels
Self framed as the “Anti-Obama”, the Indiana governor has zero charm and zero regret about it.  He angered the GOP base by being moderate on social issues like abortion and gay marriage.  He will receive zero support from the right and thus has no shot.  But sadly for him, nobody will notice.

Jon Huntsman
The former Utah Governor was appointed U.S. ambassador to China in 2009 by Obama. Like Mitt Romney, he’s a mormon.  I don’t think I’m the only guy that has a problem with that.  I’m an atheist so professed public belief in any religion is something of a red flag, but Mormonism sends up flares like scientology and voodoo.  Having a religious belief isn’t an automatic disqualifier for me, but ask yourself if you’d vote for a guy who believed that God thought less of dark skinned humans than light skinned humans?  Or that the faithful mormon males get a planet apiece in the after life populated with girls whose job it is to please them,… forever.. as long as you wear the secret underwear?  

See, it makes a difference. 

Ron Paul
After years of being the oddball in his party, the libertarian-leaning Republican is being embraced by the Tea Party movement for his limited government philosophy. Ideas once seen as outside the GOP mainstream suddenly have traction.  However, his appeal seems to remain relatively limited.  Visually, he’s an unmade bed with crazy eyes and that makes all but the craziest voters a little hesitant.  For them it’s a plus.  For us… not so much. Another term for “the craziest voters” is “the Tea Party”.

Gary Johnson
This former New Mexico governor supports abortion rights, gay rights, ending the war in Afghanistan and legalizing marijuana.  So really, he’s a democrat.

The likely actual candidates, the ones in the current field with a chance, are Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney.  Romney is having a hard time defending to the republicans how he could give his state something that looks remarkably like Obamacare.  Also, there’s the whole mormon thing, but he ran last time and nobody seemed to bring it up.  Pawlenty, besides being a black hole of charisma has a name that just plain doesn’t test well.  Pawlenty, as a word, lends itself too easily to comedy and he, as a public figure has a knack for getting his picture taken with a stupid look on his face.  He’s only minutes away from knocking himself out of the race.

Too bad Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was born in Tel Aviv.  Bibi, as he’s called in Israel, appeared before the combined houses of congress last week to try and shove one up Obama’s backside and the republicans sucked it up; giving him several standing ovations in a 45 minute speech. He’s a hard line, pro military, social conservative that republicans could see themselves backing.  Of course, the GOP would never choose him because as an Israeli, he’s probably Jewish.

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2 Responses to Republican Front-Runner? Not it!!!

  1. randy says:

    It’s always fun to look back and see if my predictions came true. In fact, this handicapping job here could just be your ticket to transform yourself into political consultant. However, unless you seriously change your opinion of Herman Cain soon, you risk missing the boat. I would love to hear your opinion of how the “racist” tea party can nominate a black man – and how does Obama campiagn against him? Personally, I wish democrats were not so racist that they always pull out the race card first, when lacking something intelligent to say. Since I know you are not actually a racist, or a true democrat – I am curious to hear from you. Thanks for the nice blog. It’s going to grow if you want it to, by the way.

    • gmyers2112 says:

      I’ve noticed that the Republicans seem to have difficulty getting somebody who isn’t an actual cartoon character to run. There appear to be good republicans, they just don’t want to run. The ones who want to run are just providing comedic content free of charge for late night TV.

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