Who’s Tailin’ Palin (and why)

I think we’re all out of Weiner jokes for a while so maybe it’s time to get back to the real dicks in the pudding. 

The tussle for the Republican nod is starting to heat up.  Mitt Romney has officially claimed a spot.  So has Jon Huntsman.  (I had to Google Huntsman to find out his first name so you can see he’s really on fire.) But nobody lights up the republicans quite so much as the former Alaskan Governor in the pencil skirt and horn-rims.

Yep Sarah Gawddamn Palin is currently touring the country in an enormous air-conditioned billboard.  She says she’s on a family vacation but the vacation is conveniently scheduled to end in Iowa, just before the caucuses and is making photo-op stops at iconic American sites all over the country.  Clearly she’s setting up a run for the nom.  It’s clear to everybody covering the tour and every set of eye balls watching it on TV that she’s going to run.  And while it is patently obvious, she continues to say, “Nuh-huh” because if she says she’s running, she has to give up the FOX spots and the Mama Bear Reality show. 

Forgive me for pointing this out, but if a person is lying about when she’s running for president or not running for president because of how much money she’d no longer receive from her FOX contract and TLC reality show residuals, she might not be the best choice for president.

The press pool party trailing around behind her qualifies numerically as a mob.  They report on where she’s going, what she’s wearing, what she’s eating and what she’s riding (she rode on the back of a Harley with a large butchy leather wearin’ mamma bear (if you know what I mean)).  The press has complained that she won’t hand out an itinerary to help them follow her, but they seem not to be having any trouble.  All they have to do is look for the enormous RV with her picture, her name, the Declaration of Independence and the giant “We the People…” on the side of it.  It sorta stands out.

While the right is looking high and low for a functional and embarrassment free candidate, and one after another of them declines the offer, the pile is being whittled down and her numbers are going up.  What is it that makes the press think that we’re so completely fascinated with everything she does and that they need to cover every utterance from her mouth, every meal she eats or restroom she stops in front of?  I mean, other than the fact that we can’t stop talking about her or watching every second of train wreck in Manolo Blahnik heels footage that they post on every news network, cable punditry show and internet site. You know, besides that.

Is she really the future of American politics?  Have we started down the inescapable road to Idiocracy?  Is she the one we deserve because we let it happen? We watch her.  We give life to her public identity like she’s Tinkerbell and we can’t stop clapping. 

Arrrg.  Double Arrg.

Forget that she’s functionally illiterate.  Forget that she’s Donald Trump with a beehive when it comes to self promotion and a willingness to say completely nonsensical things with cameras pointed at her.  Forget that she’s never had a single moment of public speaking that we couldn’t find something to make a joke about.  Forget even that she thinks “Obama care would place death squads in charge of deciding Grandma’s fate. Forget all of that for the moment and think only of this. She who would be the leader of the free world, upon leaving an American History museum in Boston said this about Paul Revere’s historic ride:

“He, uh, who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms uh by ringin’ those bells and making sure as he’s ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were gonna be free and we were gonna be armed.”

I was under the impression that Revere’s historic ride was actually for the purpose of warning rebellious colonials that the British were coming to arrest those who spoke against the King.  However, as it turns out, his midnight ride, complete with bells a ringin’ and warning shots, was really to let the English know that we were armed.

And that folks, is only the tip of the iceberg. 

Later in the day when the sound bites hit the airwaves, she was granted a few precious FOX minutes via remote to defend her mis-speakin-isms.  Her first response was to say that she’d been blind sided with “one of them gotcha questions” implying that the press had laid in wait and asked an ambush question to which there was no good answer and that she’d look foolish no matter what.  Incidentally, the question that she’d been asked was, “After looking at the American history museum, what do you come away with?”  A softball question if ever there was.

Then? Oh yes then she had the enormous Alaskan sized balls to say that, no, in fact, she had not been wrong.  Nope, she doubled down and told Chris Wallace of FOX, “You know what, I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere, part of his ride was to warn the British that were already there that, ‘Hey, you are not going to succeed, you are not going to take American arms.’  There is of course, only Revere’s account of what he said to the british regulars who captured him in the wee hours, but nowhere in that account did he mention American arms.  The fact of the matter was that the term American was used primarily by the british and was interchangeable with colonials.  We were, in fact, at that time… all british and fighting for our right to be considered fully represented british subjects.

Did you know that President Clinton was, among other things, a Rhodes Scholar?  Jimmy Carter has a master’s degree in mathematics and was qualified as a nuclear sub commander after leaving West Point.  Barak Obama has a degree in political science from Columbia and a Law degree from Harvard.  Dubbya, despite seeming buffoonish most of the time, graduated from both Yale and Harvard Business School.  I wonder what the educational background of the half term Alaskan Governor is?

I googled it.

Palin enrolled at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. Shortly after arriving in Hawaii, Palin switched to Hawaii Pacific University in Honolulu for a semester in the fall of 1982. She transferred to North Idaho College, a community college in Coeur d’Alene, for the spring and fall semesters of 1983. She attended the University of Idaho in the fall of 1984 and spring of 1985, and attended Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska in the fall of 1985. Palin returned to the University of Idaho in the spring of 1986, and received her bachelor’s degree in communications with an emphasis in journalism in 1987.

Palin represents the least and the lowest of American aspirations.  Her constituency, true Americans, America luvin’ Americans, Americans that sometimes need the help of a good fork lift to be removed from their double-wides to go votin’ and think that anybody who pronounce the “g’s” at the end of “ing” words are elitist, east coast liberal comma’nists,.. those folks are going to give the mexicans a good run for their money when it comes to taking over this country.  The sad, sad truth creeping over this nation is that, with our current educational system, there will soon be more of them than there are of us and Palin types will find it easier and easier to get elected.

On the upside, compared to Michelle Bachman, Palin looks like Jonas Freekin’ Salk.

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