Handicapping the Republican Front Runners

For those unfamiliar with sports betting, handicapping is what a tout or odds maker does when assessing the likelihood of one team or one horse or one thing being victorious over another.  Usually, this also assumes that all of the horses in the race or teams in the league have at least some potential chance to win.  The problem with handicapping the candidates for the republican nomination is that all but one of the contestants have zero chance to win. Forget not being in the same league, they’re not even in the same game.
Did you watch the Republican Debate last week? I know of a group of people who didn’t. The spin specialists working for each of the potential candidates. Each and every one of them had the same answer to the question, “Who won the debate?” They all said their horse won.  Batshit crazy Michele Bachman’s spin doctor stood there with a straight face and proclaimed that she had won… clearly.  Why? Why do you think she won? How could you possibly watch that and think she won? Because she’s not speaking in tongues or dancing with snakes? That’s not winning. That’s simply not stepping in your own poo.

Bachman is using her fostering of 28 kids to show what a great human she is. Bachman fostered 28 kids and adopted 6 more. That’s two Branch Davidian’s short of a compound. Given her religious point of  view and tendency to preach, gathering 34 trusting souls to indoctrinate and send out into the world seems more like a missionary program than a family.

All of the other candidates talked about their families; their kids and spouses, etc. except for Gingrich. Lots of kids… good. Lots of wives, not so much. They proudly proclaimed their opposition to gay marriage and abortion rights like they were checking off items on a list of ingredients to bake a republican pie. They professed their love of the historically inaccurate rewriting of Ronald Reagan’s legacy and they universally railed against social programs like health care while promising never to touch Medicaid or Social Security,… except maybe to privatize it (which means letting the insurance companies run it for profit). And to a person they all rang the “Obama is a job killing, big government, tax raising machine who doesn’t get the big picture or understand the common man in the way that the republican party does” bell.

Rick Santorum is proudest of his position against gay anything. It’s the cornerstone of his argument for everything. But replace gay with black and he’s George Wallace in 1964. It seemed politically tenable then to have a position against racial equality but now we look back and think, “What a moron!” That’s Santorum on the gay issue now.

Pawlenty, milquetoast about everything else claims to be the most effective anti-abortion rights activist in the race. That’s like getting a trophy for being the guy who could slam his head into the wall more often than anybody else. Yeah, you can do that pretty good there champ, but you know what… the wall is still there. Hit the showers, Pawlenty.  Oh, also it was funny to watch him crawfish about trash talking Romney over “Romney-care”.  It was like the guy on the play ground who said he’d take on anybody when he was with his friends but now, Big Johnny Murphy is here slamming his fist into his other hand saying let’s go and Pawlenty can’t recant fast enough.  And I think he pee’d just a little bit.

Newt Gingrich seems to be the only guy in the room who doesn’t know his career has been over since Clinton bitch slapped him in the 90’s. He sold a lot of books and that seems to make him believe that people think he’d be a good president besides the glaringly obvious fact that he’s a horrible human being.  Character counts, even in the heartland, and his character sucks.  Also, incase he missed the exact moment when the trap door dropped, it was when his entire staff of 16 people quit, over he and his wife appearing too extravagant in front of out of work americans and taking a two-week vacation to Greece and Turkey in the middle of a campaign for “Leader of the Free World”.  Boom. Finished.

Ron Paul spoke at length about wiping the slate clean and starting over, getting back to what we used to be (old people say shit like that all the time not knowing that nothing goes backwards, ever). He’s so in favor of limited government that he’d cut cabinet positions and whole departments. Let’s face it, we don’t need the EPA to tell us the air is dirty or the water is flammable. We can see that for ourselves. He spoke for several minutes in a slow monotone and used big words while waving his hands about. The crowd yawned and the cameras looked at the other, prettier candidates. Funny old guy, out.

Herman Cain said last week that he wants muslims who work for him to take a loyalty test. I’m sorry but you can’t be a serious candidate for the office of the President of the United States of America and say stupid shit like that. Also, he’s not big on reading. Cain says that if elected he won’t sign any bill longer than 3 pages. Does that include the cover page?

Mitt Romney’s the only one on the stage who’s even in the right league and he’s going to lose by 15 points because he’s a mormon.  Clearly, he’s the odds on favorite at the dog show in a room filled with mangy mutts and floppy mixed breeds that chase their tails. He’s a well spoken, calm person with the right education and experience. He looks great in profile with a lantern jaw and a perfect head of hair with greying temples that had to be painted on.  He says the “Right-ist” stuff in the right-ist way and even seems reasonably ok to centrists; but the mormon thing is too much poo juice to get down. Don’t get me wrong; all religions sounds crazy to me. Obama believes in the guy who came back to life after the roman’s spiked him to a cross. 20% of the world’s population believes that Mohammed dictated the Koran in a single sitting and ascended to heaven while sitting on a rock. And Romney believes that Joseph Smith read “coded” tablets out of hat and that secret underpants are the key to the afterlife ownership of your own planet filled with willing women.  Gay marriage; no. Abortion rights; no.  Lost tribe of jews in ancient america; you betcha.

The take away on this non event is that you have to hate with a seething passion even the concept of Obama in order to vote for any of these people. If you’re a republican, you should be afraid that this is the best your side can come up with.  If you’re a democrat,  you need to be terrified that one of these cartoons could potentially end up in the oval office.

That’s the elephant in the room.

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9 Responses to Handicapping the Republican Front Runners

  1. Aaron Grizbowski says:

    How long did it take you to come up with this one? Two seconds. You write like you are some sort of “important” person when actually no one cares what you say. You really need to stop writing.

    • gmyers2112 says:

      I’m not sure how long it took to come up with it. I watch news, I read news, I live in this world and am exposed to all of these things and I absorb the common understanding of the world around us. Forming opionions from that doesn’t take long. Again, I have to say that clearly you don’t like what I write and I wonder why you keep reading it.

  2. Quite frankly, I think you are pretty close to hitting the nail on the head. I might add I just can’t wait for Bachman to bring back $2 a gallon gasoline…..wait, aren’t Repubs supposed to let the free markets work?

    I can’t say I care a lot for Obama, but the thought of any of these characters with “President” before their name scares the hell out of me……and I would add Perry to the same list…….

    • gmyers2112 says:

      back when I wrote it, Perry, in the state where I reside, was saying often and to any who would listen, that we was not running for president (to the reliefe of many in this state who would just as soon he got swallered up by a spntaneous black hole (somewhere near where the canceled particle accellerator site is). I played with the notion of including him but thought I don’t want to be the grain of sand that tips the scale. Of course, now he’s running, but we’re all pretty sure he’s going to say or do something from which there is no coming back and hel’ll be out. (cross fingers)

  3. Scotty T says:

    Ok, I like this blog but it’s ignorant to say that being a foster parent to 28 is “two short of a compound”. Foster kids cycle in and out, so I’m sure the family never had even a quarter of that number at the same time. And why bash a family for taking in and raising kids? Really? That’s somehow a bad thing? There are, by the way, strict rules pertaining to the religious indoctrination of foster kids by foster parents.

    Come on man, you don’t have to love Michelle Bachman, but find something substantial to criticize her on. I agree that just being a successful, generous person doesn’t mean you’ll be a good leader, but you should at least recognize the good in it.

  4. H Hampton says:

    You are pretty brilliant and spot on. I just discovered your blog and am enjoying the hell out of it. Even the sour-grapes shitbirds who like to dump on you in the replies are mildly funny. They say your writing sucks and they keep coming back and reading more. Isn’t that, like, some clever person’s definition of insanity?

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