Scan, Pat Down or Blow up: Your Choice.

Naked x-ray tatas.  Oh boy!The TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) is coming under fire again for groping some new kid or feeling up another beauty queen / basketball cheerleader.  Somebody got all bent out of shape because uncaring hands in blue plastic gloves are touching the outside of clothes in the general area of private parts.  OMG! Americans are being violated!  Privacy is being perverted. Lines are being crossed! A whole new set of rules has to be adopted because someone was offended!!

Really?  That’s where we are?  We’re all so privileged in our protected cocoons of safety where nothing bad ever happens that now we have the cheek to feel violated about a pat down after ten years of increased security because people who have vowed to destroy us have actually used airplanes to kill before? 

You know that there are actual important things to deal with? You know, for instance that teenagers are still chopping arms off of people in central africa for backing the wrong despotic candidate, right?  You know that somewhere in a sand hut with a sand floor in the middle of sandy-ass Libya a small family of uneducated skeletons supported by a sewage worker who got the job because he’s skinny enough to fit into the sewer pipe is sharing their last meal of rotten rice because sometime tomorrow an errant NATO bomb meant to help them stay free from Mohammar Qadhafi will free them permanantly from this mortal coil.  There’s actual stuff happening to actual people all over the world nearly every moment of every day.

And now you’re upset because Lakeisha at the TSA station, who just wants to finish her shift and go back home to fix dinner for her kids, touched you, in a completely unemotional and non sexual way, between your legs so that the rest of us can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re not smuggling guns, knives, dope or bombs onto the plane in order to kills us all.?

You know what?  Fuck you.  Yeah, you heard me.  Fuck you and the precious little entitled horse you rode in on.  Bend over, spread’em, take the goddamn pat down and shut the fuck up.  Nobody cares about your “feelings” or your right to privacy. If you can’t let Darrell check your nethers for lighters and fuses, then maybe you should just start driving because I don’t want you on the plane next to me.  I don’t want to have to tackle you when you reach down to re-adjust the fellas or tie your shoes.  I don’t want to call my wife on the Skyphone to tell her that me and some other passengers are going to have to take the plane back from bunch of idiots with box cutters and God delusions because you didn’t want somebody to touch, even for a second, your flabby ass cheeks and inner thighs.

And while we’re at it, patting down a kid doesn’t mean shit to the kid.  And it would have passed without notice by that kid except that some mom who felt like little Sarah Jean Whateverhernameis was just the kind of kid to get a lot of “Look at me” press for the mom’s pet grudge (that she picked up from FOX or CNN). “Oh, my little angel has been violated.  Point the camera at me.  Look at my pasion and anguish.  I want my 15 minutes.”

Listen up, America, You have some choices to make.  You can take the pat down, walk through the body scanner or even show up at the airport naked… or, and here’s the choicest choice, don’t freekin fly.  It’s up to you.  You choose.  But do it now and get the hell over it or so help me, I’m going to pull this car over and smack all of you.

Key rist!

If you take the pat down, you have to accept that there is no such thing as an effective pat down that doesn’t touch everything, including babies butts and crotches and your tits.  If there’s a place that TSA isn’t allowed to touch, that’s where the drugs, the bombs and the guns will be.

It’s not like nobody every stuffed a kilo of cocaine into a baby’s diaper or up somebody’s ass in a string of balloons before.  When I was a youngster, everybody I knew who smoked pot carried their dope in their underpants.  I knew one guy who tucked it way up behind his balls and actually got past a police pat down once because the cop didn’t want to crotch grab.  Good for my friend.  Not good if that’s TSA, now, and bomb making materials.  Half a security pat down is no pat down at all and absolutely not secure.

With all that we’ve seen in the last few years, it can’t possibly been that long until somebody tries to be the first Boobie Bomber.  So believe me, we want TSA to be able check out the fake tatas.  We NEED TSA to be able to check out the fake tatas. 

If you choose the scanner you have to accept that completely disinterested hourly employees of the government are going to see ghostlike outlines of your person in which your belt buckle, your dental bridge work, the pin in your knee from the skiing accident 20 years ago and the gun taped to the inside of your thigh will show up as fairly solid shapes and that your butt, your boobs, your embarrassingly small penis, your belly overhang and your armpit fat will not only be vaguely discernible wisps of imagery but that the bored individuals seeing it will dismiss it immediately, not store it for future use or distribute it to the internet for somebody’s perverse pleasure or stare, point or giggle at you on the way by because nobody cares about your fat, old, body (or even the young good-looking ones).  Porn is way too easy to get in thousands of variations for anybody to spend even a second of their time ogling your x-rays.

And if you fly a lot and you’re worried that being scanned all the time will increase your radiation exposure, you should know this;  Standing on the side-walk waiting for your friend to pick you up at the airport exposes you to more radiation than the scanner ever could.

Or, you could choose not to fly.  Nobody is making you fly.  Nobody says you have to be searched, patted or scanned.  You’re making the choice to fly and with that comes the responsibility to prove without a doubt that we who do not know you can trust you not to kill us and that you can likewise now trust us;  all because, Mr. Blueglove Dontgiveashit touched your junk in a totally not gay way.

I know you’ve got an argument right now but you know what.  Shut up.  Nobody wants to hear it.

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15 Responses to Scan, Pat Down or Blow up: Your Choice.

  1. Julie says:

    Fun Facts :

    Number of commercial flights worldwide EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY: 734,844

    Number of Al Quaedas hangin’ out in Afghanistan and Pakistan:
    “CIA director Leon Panetta told ABC News in June thatal-Qaeda’s presencein Afghanistan was now “relatively small … I think at most, we’re looking at maybe 50 to 100.” And in nextdoor Pakistan, arguably the more dangerous long-term threat, there were about 300 al Qaeda leaders and fighters, officials separately estimated.”

    Number of people in the US who win at least one million in the Lottery daily: 3-4

    The risk of being killed by lightning is 1 in 28,500.

    Your personal chance of getting a seat next to Osama? One fuck of a lot smaller than being struck by lightning. Personally, I would much rather play the odds than put up with TSA, seats the size of toddler potties, deep vein thrombosis, plastic food and one stinkin’ arm rest.

    You used to have had to actually do something BAD to be searched, groped, delayed, questioned and in general kicked around by officious bastards who love overtime. Now you pay $800 bucks for the privilege of being treated like John F’n Dillinger!

    So, fuck you, too LOL in a friendly way.

  2. Doug says:

    Exactly. The idea that we must sacrifice all dignity and freedom to prevent something that is about as likely as shark attack is both insane and cowardly. Bush turned this country into a nation of cowards quivering from an enemy that previous presidents would have laughed at. Our freedoms are what make us a great nation, living as slaves to fear does not. “He who protects everything protects nothing.” What you are really saying is “Fuck me, please.”

  3. Mike says:

    How much social liberty are we willing to sacrifice for the illusion – for it truly is nothing but – of security? You really should research before you post a rant like this; you’ve come off looking quite uninformed. There ARE indeed very real dangers associated with back-scatter x-ray machines; starting with the fact that it has been scientifically proven if you’re exposed more than once a month it can (and will) cause your DNA to mutate & no one knows, as of yet, what that mutation is going to do to your body. We’re not talking about standard x-ray machines; back-scatter is a whole different animal.

    As far as the pat downs, what about people like me that have physical and neurological disorders where being touched by a stranger is a VERY bad thing & can launch me into a panic attack from hell? Ever think of that one? I am now not able to fly at all because of the TSA. It’s great. I used to travel quite a bit, have been all over this country & back; but have not taken a single flight since these ridiculous security measures went into place. It was bad enough a few years ago when I almost missed my flight, despite showing up 3 fucking hours early, because I was carrying too much hair product & refused to throw it in the trash as the total products cost more than the damn plane ticket. If I had missed that flight, I would have missed my husband’s FUNERAL. The Air Marshall or whatever finally came off the plane to see what was holding their first class passenger up, overrode the TSA & told them if they have a problem with me getting on the plane to take it up with his higher ups.

    So, lets recap, I now can not visit family in other parts of the country unless I want to shove my ass on those disgusting things that pass for transportation (greyhound) or on the remote chance Amtrak actually still services the city I’m headed to (most of Texas, Las Vegas, etc. are out). All because there’s a chance so slim I doubt there’s even an actual percentage for it that some towel head is going to smuggle a bomb on the plane? Oh, and newsflash boywonder – people have already managed to get a knife past the TSA – twice. But these security measures are effective & worth the hassle….riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

  4. MadsR says:

    Lets recap here. Out of the thousands of daily flights, in the past 20 years a handful of notable security incidents have happened, none of them detected by ever increasing security searches. Since the 2001 incident (Which were more contributory to inter-agency politics, than a downright failure in airport-security) there have been some notable mishaps, like the guy with the shoe bomb, who, despite of the heightened security and alert state of the security people, only had his own forgetfulness to thank for not being able to blow up a plane, had he brought (or bought) a lighter (which is perfectly legal to bring into a plane)
    And spending millions of our own money to be inconvenienced by this ineffective (if not down right useless) control is a good thing? please explain

    • gmyers2112 says:

      I think you missed the whole point. I’m not arguing whether or not we should have the damn security checks at the airport. I’m saying you have a choice. Nobody is making you fly. I’m also saying a little hand to the tatas never hurt anybody and if they need to pat down my kid, they I’m not going to freek out. I don’t care if they can see a bad ghost image of my dick and I don’t care if somebody who really doesn’t want to, has to stick their hands into a baby’s diaper. It doesn’t mean anything. Measured against all of the injustices in the world like getting you arms hacked off for being in the wrong tribe or being beaten publickly because as a woman you chose to show some ankle at the mall, goign through a securty pat down at the airport is pretty low on the list of things to get pissy about. And really, if you have the kind of time to get pissy about that kind of shit, maybe you need something else to fill your time.

      • erisfully says:

        Your argument from “there is worse suffering” simply isn’t a valid one. Yes, those terrible things you described deserve our attention and need to be fixed, however, that doesn’t mean “less important” problems aren’t problems or aren’t worthy of consideration. We will always be able to say that something worse is happening somewhere, but so what? Is feeding starving children in the third world more “important” than, say, educating our children here? Perhaps we should send all the money currently used for public schools to those countries to feed them, since surely not dying is more important than knowing where they countries where they’re dying are located. Almost no problem in this country compares so the worst problems faced in others, and by your argument that means we would be wrong to do anything about our problems until we’ve fixed those.

        While I agree that silly parents throwing fits for their fifteen minutes is more than just annoying, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a real issue here. I think what people are really angry about isn’t literally being touched in their private areas, but the fact that we are willing to trade our privacy for a sense of security (and I do mean sense – as others have noted, the actual increase in airline safety is negligible). The world will always be full of risks, and we will always have to find some balance between security and freedom – the question that the scanners and other TSA practices are putting into focus is where we feel this balance should be.

        I also specifically find fault with the fact that the TSA is a government body. If the airlines themselves ran security, I really wouldn’t have much of an argument – businesses can choose to do what they want, more or less. However, I do not feel that the government should be invading my privacy in this manner. Yes, I can choose not to fly – but, really, that isn’t very reasonable anymore.

        Ultimately, no, getting fondled a little is nothing compared to the atrocities committed daily around the world, but isn’t our value of personal freedom still worth arguing for?
        I also specifically find fault with the fact that eh TSA is a governement

      • gmyers2112 says:

        the “there are worse things” argument is valid to me. Also, I’m not arguing the validity of the security. I’m just saying it is what it is. YOu know it’s there and what it will involve. If you don’t want to do that, don’t fly. It takes less gas to drive anyway. That notwithstanding the issue of whether or not the airlines should do it or the government, that was put to rest 30 years ago when Reagan came down on the side opposite the air traffic controllers and said that the arilines and the air traffic controllers, the passenger rails and all other manner of public transportation, even if held privately, were considered part of a public trust. That would then mean that the security for any of that would have to also be public and since it covers planes, trains, ferries and buses, it is just easier to have a single organization with a single set of rules and a single set of training requirements. I’m not arguing in favor of that, I’m just saying that was the reasoning.

        Next time I fly, I’m going to take the fondling line. I can’t afford a massage but I really like being touched. So, here’s to being hopeful!

  5. Jason says:

    U mad bro? LOL u mad aren’t ya

  6. Jon Deniro says:

    I pity you for your paranoia and I despise you for believing that the whole U.S.A. should be stripped of their basic rights because of your cowardice. Why don’t you try doing a little research into the subject before you spout off your un-American rhetoric? Let’s look at two simple facts:

    1 – The TSA has not stopped a single terrorist, nor even encountered one.

    2 – The TSA has harmed many people.

    Add these two simple facts together and you get a third undeniable fact – If the TSA did not exist, far fewer people would be harmed while traveling by air.

    • gmyers2112 says:

      you seem to feel strongly about this Jon. I think you missed my point. My point is that as long as the system is there, you have a choice. Fly or don’t fly. Knowing that you will be searched if you fly means that if you don’t want to be searched, don’t fly. I’m not saying the searching is right or wrong or effective or invasive. I’m simply saying it is what it is. Namely, it is there. It is a thing you are unlikely to get around or change by stomping your feet and waiving the “don’t tread on me” flag. That being the case, make a choice but stop crying about it. It’s kinda pussy and a little off putting. Crazy is not an attractive attribute.

  7. Heidi says:

    I wish I had never discovered your blog. I haven’t been able to do homework for the last hour, because (and yes I am blaming you) of how enthralling your posts are. You are absolutely fuc*&ing hilarious, seriously, Jon Stewart has a run for his money.

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